Jul 23, 2012

What do you say to that?


ME- Charlie, are you going to behave?

Charlie- No.  

Me- So you are NOT going to do what I have asked?

Charlie- No.  

ME- (rephrasing the question to ensure he has understood it.)  So, if I tell you to stop doing that to Shay, you will not stop?

Charlie- No.

ME- Why?

Charlie- Because, I no want to.  

Freakin' honesty is killing me.  Freakin' behavior is killing Shay.  Freakin' stress in this house is killing us all.  I put my kid to bed and didn't say "I love you."  Not because I don't love him, but because I am so sucking at mommy hood that I thought an angry "I love you" would have been worse than none at all.  I really thought that out.  Yeah, actions speak louder than words.  And neither one was specifically saying, "I love you Charlie" last night.  

It's times like these, that I remember those baby days of sleepless days filled with sleepless nights that made us crazed.  I am stuck in this place with our son that seems so fertile with angst that I wonder if Oscar the Grouch would appreciate my son right now.  While most of us are not sleepless, we are still in this rut that feels like we will never crawl though the next moment.  I am not even sure I know how to respond to some of the stuff we are dealing with.  Is it autism?  Is it normal?  Is it some new diagnosis?  Is it fixable? Am I going to pick up a new habit or twitch before it's over with?  Stay tuned, for these and other answers I can not foresee.  

PS  I went and made the sign of the cross over him an hour ago as he slept.  I told him that I loved him.  I was  not angry. Maybe I am not the worst mom in the world.  Sure feels like it recently.  Crappy feeling when that's your only job and you don't do it well.  I know you have been there.  Say nothing.  Please pray for us.  


What do I do with rainy days?  Play games, blog, read other blogs, go online and search out blog ideas.  Yeah, I guess that will become a new blog obsessed nerd problem.  I hadn't read one single blog, knowingly, until AFTER I started my own.  So, I had no frame of reference.  It was awesome.  I was doing what I instinctually thought a blog was, with my style, and my humor, and I loved it.  Then, I was playing around with different styles recently, and thought I was inventing sliced bread again!  It was fantastic for my ego.  (I know, I know.  Ego never helped anyone.)  Well, that inflated ego was quickly squashed when I had a ton of free time recently and began reading blogs, similar to mine.  They were great.  They even used a lot of my words.  My style.  And that's when it hit me.  I was not unique.  I was doing what they were doing, but they have more experience.  So, it quickly bummed me out, and with the child issue from above, it was really like the last nail in my coffin.  I managed to realize that while the other writers write more specifically to certain topics, after the third or fourth blog post on a three year old's eating habits, or how that blogger only writes on how social phobia affects their life, it was not as diverse as mine, and really has a much more narrow view point than what I do.  

So, I guess it's not all that frustrating.  I might not be able to make a full time career out of this, but at least I'm working toward my first goal- to put words to my life and to be able to give this to my children.  I love you Charlie.  I love you Shay-bay.  Chaz, it's hard being your mommy sometimes.  I am afraid that I am doing it wrong somedays.  Shay, it's hard being your mommy too.  I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong sometimes.  Both of you are so very different, yet you, Daddy and Brody are the reason I breathe each day.  I am reminded that it is my job to raise you both to be people that love one and another, and that I will teach you by example.  I mess that up sometimes.  I am trying.  Be patient with me, and I will try my hardest to be patient with you.  I will now end with a quote from Grandma Marilyn who I have learned from Pinterest, is quoting someone wiser than she.... 


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