I had the most metaphorical drive to and from church this morning. We woke super early, partly because I am trying to torture myself, since my son doesn't like to be woken any more than I like to have my own dog lift his leg to pee on me, and part because it's nice to get to an early Mass and feel like I have extra time in the day since we woke so early. (The migits really needed to get back into a bed time routine, and last night, Shay was asleep by 7:30 PM, and Chaz, by 8:PM.) So, if going to sleep early, need to wake early too. (It's worse for me than for them, as I do not adhere to the early to bed part.)
So, the kids and I get in the car, and we are driving. It is early, but the sun is coming out and it appears to be the start to a beautiful day. I began thinking. (Say nothing.) I was thinking how frustrated I was with my husband, but was not fully able to put words to why I was frustrated. Slowly, it started to form in my head. (Slow being the operative word here.) I felt like we are in a pattern that we were in prior to and during our separation. While we are driving, I see that there is fog ahead. I was not sure if it was fog or rain ahead, as it was super dark, but in the distance, you can only guess. As soon as we got into the haze, Shay and Charlie starting talking about it. It was super hard to see. I had to put my windshield wipers on to see just a few feet in front of me. I was not thrilled, but calm once I realized that the wipers helped. I know it seemed like forever, but it was incredibly thick and dangerous for about sixty seconds. Then, out of no where, the fog began lifting, and I was shocked how beautiful the blue sky was once we got past it. It was brighter and clearer than it appeared to be before we hit the fog. On the radio, we hear this story of how a husband and wife had an argument on the way to the hospital with their young son. The argument was silly, like how the husband had taken a wrong turn, or how he had gone to slow. Then, once they got to the hospital, they began doing blood work and such on the young child, and the mom stepped away to be alone, but mostly, away from you husband who was annoying the snot out of her. (Not her words.) She is recounting the story, and saying how she would do anything to have those 45 minutes back with her son. An hour later, her son passed on. The frustration stole time from her with son in his last moments here on earth.
I feel like sometimes we are in a fog for so long, and other times, we just pass though them without incident. Today, I needed the fog to help me focus on what was right in front of me. I needed to listen to the radio at that moment to know that I am wasting time. I need to do what I say, and say what I mean, and not allow myself to wander around in an unhappy fog.
Geoff and I separated two years ago for nine months. I had to stop the cycle we were in. It eventually drove me away, and while I did not once consider divorce, I considered the idea that my unhappiness would eventually ruin my family if I did not make a change. That was easier for me than for him, as the change in me meant that he had to change, and he was blindsided by the whole event. I had to make the change, and try to keep my children safe during a very rocky phase. I knew, if I was patient, that G-d would take care of the situation, but that I would have to make some really tough decisions. I made them, and during the time it takes to make a baby, we gave birth to a marriage and relationship that sustained happiness. Until lately. When I feel we are going back into some old habits.
I know that a friend of ours has recently succumbed to addictive behaviors. That person can attend meetings, seek help from family and friends, and accept that being an addict is a demon that they have to live with every day of their life. Having a neurological disorder, such as being on the autism spectrum, is not as socially acceptable for a man about to turn 40. I am not the least bit ashamed of my husband, but I am frustrated when people make excuses, and I have to hear "Actions speak louder than words" running through my head for weeks on end. It's all I want to say lately, but I am afraid that it will do less to remedy the situation than frustrate me more.
Have you ever seen sign for a store that says "Final Days! Store Closing Forever!" And then, they don't close. EVER? Well, on our way home, I was laughing as I see that the furniture store that forever has that type of sign up, didn't have it anymore. In fact, it looked like they were settling in nicely and even repainted the front of the store. So... if actions speak louder than words, than what I am hearing is, "We did so well with you guys shopping our pretend clearances the last few years, that we have decided to hang around!" I am not one to appreciate being manipulated, therefore, I apply this to my relationships. The only way I know to not be manipulated is to be honest and tell my husband, son, DOG if need be, that I will not allow the manipulation to affect my decisions.
I need to put on my wipers to get through this fog. I know that once we get through it, it will be clearer, brighter, and happier for all of us. While we begin school, activities, homework, birthday parties, making lunches, bedtimes and early wake up calls, let us all remember that it is never too late to make a change. And that while some times it seems really hard, ultimately, happiness is a choice. We can choose to be happy, or we can choose to allow the people or situations around us make us unhappy. I am choosing to be happy. (I remind my children of this all the time.) It is powerful to know that.