Jul 21, 2012


Well, discouraged, and needed a little pick me up.  Found it.  But it was a temporary fix, as after a few minutes, I was bored.  It's called Fiverr.  This website is a marketing place for anyone who will sell a service for only $5.  What sorts of things can you pay only $5 for?  Well, someone is willing to sing Happy Birthday to you or a loved one in chin face style for only five buckeroos.  Or, translate five minutes of english to spanish.  Or write the name of your business on their lips and take a high resolution picture of it to use as an advertisement online.  OR... well.  It made me wonder.  What might I be willing or able to sell for $5?  I got to thinking, and here is the abridged version of things I might be able to sell.  (You will thank me that I was selective with what I am sharing with you.  The other ideas were worse than what will follow.)

For five dollars, I am willing to...

- Clean all the crayon marks off the surfaces of your child's room.  No Scarlett.  I do not do hallways,  or full walls.  (I have my limitations.)

-Make a family slogan using your last name (Ours is, "I'm an Ahrens, yes I am!  I'm an Ahrens, yes I CAN!")  I'm not even kidding about this.  I say it to my migits every time I hear "I can't!" I tried it on a neighbor kid the other day at the pool.  Sadly, that specific phrase does not roll off the tongue as well with a Jewish last name. You know who you are.

-Call you each morning for one whole week to wake you with a song.  (I have one for each morning.  If it sounds the same, it might be.  But you just might get a one morning and then you will feel like you struck gold.  Trust me.  My kids wonder if I make up songs all the time.  I just know so many of them.

-Wipe your childs' backside after a poo, and pretend to appreciate the job.  I did it for my own two kids for years.  I am a method actor.  Shout out the the other thespians in the audience!

-teach you the two easy steps of having a panic attack in your own bathroom (yes, become claustrophobic, then unknowingly close the bathroom door after another person has locked the hand lock and when you go to leave, VIOLA!  Panic attack!)  Oh wait, just gave that five bucko's away, huh?  Well, you're welcome.  And, it's not easy being me.

-clean a bathroom that a penis uses.  We all know that a penis is a terrible aim, and the owner of the penis generally has less inclination to aim then to worry about the poor female who will spend countless hours wiping it up, and researching how to get urine smell out from underneath a toilet.  If you love your wife, or your mom, practice target shooting.  I have an idea.  Do what this family did with their son.

*Break for writer's experience with this topic

So, one day, I was asked to babysit for a student of mine.  She had a sister that was a year younger, and a baby brother.  I did not EVER like babysitting babies.  I was totally fine with a three year old or older.  However, this mom was really amazing, and I loved spending time at their home, so I began babysitting for them fairly regularly.  So, I had the baby, the four and five year old, and the mom told me that she would be staying in the neighborhood playing Bunko for a few hours.  She promised me that the baby would be fine on the couch for hours, and that I could even just stay upstairs with the girls and get them to bed and not worry at all about the baby.  She was right, and now he is probably close to high school  age from what I have learned while FB creeping on his now college aged sister.  I gained some confidence, and began sitting for other babies, and did pretty well.

Fast forward to when he is around two, and potty training.  I had NO experience with this at all.  So, one night, before the mom leaves, she tells me that I need to have him "try" before putting on his pull up and putting him to bed that night.  I must have looked panicked, since she patted my arm and reassured me that the two older girls would know what to do.  So, bedtime rolls around, and I remembered that he needs to try, so I take him in there while the girls change into pajamas.  We get in their, and he is saying, "Cherrio, Cherrio!"  For f's sake?  What?  He's gone all English on us?  He gets really worked up, and finally, the girls enter with the Cherrio box in hand and grab a handful and give it to him.  He takes them, and throws them into the toilet water.  Then, he happily urinates, aiming for each of the Cherrios as he relieved himself.  AHHH.  Got it.  I was prepared for the next babysitting adventure I had there.

The next time, mere weeks later, I grabbed a handful of Cherrios prior to bringing him in the bathroom. We get in there, he pulls his underwear down, and I proudly open my fistful of cereal for him to use as he wishes.  Well, he starts yelling, "Skittle, SKITTLE!"  I was confused.  But remembered that I did see a little bag of Skittles in the downstairs bathroom.  So, I ran downstairs, grabbed a few, ran back up, and threw the Skittles into the bowl.  The girls laughed at me.  He began crying.  The girls ran downstairs, came back, and schooled me on the change.  The Skittle was to give him AFTER he successfully left a deposit in the bowl.  Great.  At least his mother, a genius in her own ways, had the foresight to teach aim along with the life long lesson of always upping the ante.  Thank you Stacy.

If you need potty training for a child, that will cost you more than five dollars, but, I can do it.  I can even do it in under 48 hours.  But then again, it will cost at least five dollars an hour.  And a couple of cans of Lysol.  And a bottle of Pinnacle Whipped to get me through the training period.  Two if I have to do the laundry of the wet through undies.

Let me know what I can do for you!  For a mere five dollars... I'm cheaper than most value meals!  (That's not what I meant.)  Maybe I should scratch that slogan idea....

PS   It is rainy.  I had all day to play online, with the migits, and nap.  Now, you have been given two and a half blogs in less than 24 hours.  Thank you Mother Nature!

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