Jul 5, 2012

Fourth of July Fun without Spit Bubbles

I felt like we were bonding.  It was just the two of us, and this total stranger stepped in and acted like a girlfriend I never had.  I was standing there, waiting on Geoff to come back with the chairs before the parade, and a bug flew into my bra, and immediately began gnawing at my breast.   I kinda' yelped and said out loud that I had a bug down my shirt.  This stranger standing next to me jumped on board and offered to help.  She grabbed the waters in my hand, and then offered to stand in front of me to offer some view blocking as I dug this sucker out of my bra.  When I say she acted like the girlfriend I never had, I say this because I keep most people at distance, and I don't really have many girlfriends.  The ones I do, either pee on my couch, (Thanks Rache') or professionally photograph my family every few years, and photoshop me to the point that I wonder when I had my teeth removed and replaced with chicklet gum pieces, (thanks Stacey.)  I have great respect for the chicks that do appreciate my quirkiness to call and see if I am panicking over anything new, and to keep me informed of their lives.  But it's the lady who offered to stand in front of me while I looked down and talked to my breast tonight as I tried to pick out a live, biting bug tonight that that made me feel proud to be in the sisterhood.  

We had another hour of sitting eating before the fireworks show was to begin.  The weather was great, the migits were content to sit in their little frog, fold out chairs, and Geoff was happy doing nothing.  I, on the other hand, had all sorts of things ready to keep me occupied, since I will be that one person who finds themselves finding something to panic about, people to scowl out and think they are redneck just because they hand a bottle of soda to their babies, or wonder how one's vagina must be sagging after seeing the mass quantity of offspring that is following someone,  just to keep busy if there is nothing else to do with myself.  Because I didn't want to have a panic attack, I opted to make sure my phone was fully charged, and to brink the Blogess's book, called "Let's Pretend this Never Happened." I was doubly rewarded.  Jenny, a.k.a "The Bloggess," made a post while we were awaiting the big event.  

I read that, then handed the phone to Geoff to read.  He stops, looks at me, serious as a heart attack, and says, "We will NOT have a sloth in our house."  I'm not sure how true this fact is, but she says that sloths only pee once every two weeks.  If that is accurate, had I known this sooner, I might have had sloths instead of my migits.  There must have been divine intervention involved for me to not have had this little nugget of information sooner than today.  I give Geoff this look of confusion as to why he had to look at me in that tone.  Then, he reads on, and laughs, and says, "You know, a kangaroo would be cool to have."  At which I point out, "She did not get a kangaroo.  Keep reading.  It's a wallaby.  Duh."  However, she didn't mention the urination habits of a wallaby, therefore, I assume it relieves itself on a more normal schedule, and that does not seem cool at all to me.  All I know of for sure it- A. We have not been married 16 years yet, and B. we do not exchange gifts for any occasion, and it's not like me to break with tradition.  

I then went on to reading more in the book, and laughed out loud to the point that I was fearful that others might be watching and think I was crazy.  I thought maybe I should start blowing spit bubbles to amplify the effect.  Then I was afraid my kids would see this and want to try.  And to be honest with you, I do not know how to teach this.  I am still working on teaching Shayna that somehow blowing gum bubbles is acceptable, but I think chewing gum with your mouth open is unladylike and makes you look like a cow.  So, while I enjoyed the book, I worked hard at suppressing my laughter, and to not make spit bubbles.  It was a challenge, but I think it worked out.  (I guess it did, as I am half way through the book, and neither migit has asked how I make the spit bubbles.)  Success!  

As for tonight's irrational fears... If all the Canton GA police were in one spot, who was watching the rest of the town?  And if there were soooo many police there, was there some sort of specific terrorist threat that we were not privy to?  And if so, shouldn't they have just cancelled the event?  And if not, why were so many of our law enforcement there?  And if Canton Ga is now a target for terrorist, why? (And this my friends, is why I should be medicated.)  To the Canton Police Dept.-  You guys are the best there is for my money!  We felt safe.  We had a good time.  And we know that your service to our community, as the military, comes with a price.  Thank you for allowing us to feel free, and SAFE.  (I say safe, but what I really mean is safe in the way that a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers feels safe.)  Really.  Who wants to bet on how much longer I can remain un-medicated?   

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