Jul 21, 2012

A reason to spit coffee out of your nose

I don't do "best" friends.  That means that the other relationships you have are not as beautiful or worthy.  That is hurtful.  I have taught this to my daughter, as girls start out young with this concept.  I had to teach that lesson to Shay when she was only three years old when she told me about her friends not including her in the clubhouse on the playground at school, because they were "best" friends.

I don't do 4 for $5 sales.  I mean, technically, I do, but not in the way that my husband does.  If it says that, I will purchase one, and only spend one fourth of the amount for what I need, and not for what I think I need.  For those of you not in the know, this concept works for BOGO (buy one, get one free) items.  (Geoff went to Kroger and got more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups than any of us needed.) One eight pack would have been MORE than enough for our family of four.  GRRRR.  NO WILL POWER DUDE!  I HAVE NONE!  THANKS FOR THAT!

What do I do, you wonder?  Nude art.  Nude art makes me giggle.  Nude art with an attempt at erotica makes me cock my head sideways.  (No pun intended.)  Nude art with an attempt at erotica that involves cold blooded reptiles helps me write a blog post for the day that makes me happy.  To me, this was silly, and the person who found this, must also have a sense of humor, as from what I can tell, the blog I am sharing this from, is a blog on fashion.  I loved it.

Before you go there, I will share my take on it.  You will have a finer appreciation for the pictures once you have my take on it.  Trust me.  They aren't that great.  They might be, but I am not cultured enough, nor do I pretend to be.  But, if you are in my head, the value of the the art sky rockets to coffee shooting through your nose if you are not careful.  You have been warned.

First, there is a portrait painting of a Victorian-era lady that is wearing a corset-type top, and her hair is adorned with the traditional ringlet curls, flowers that resemble the flower pot on my patio,  and naturally, a bird sitting on top of her head.

Writers' aside here to share a story from her youth- I never did go to my high school prom (dropped acid that night), or graduation, or most of my scheduled classes, but I did make it to my middle school, 8th grade formal dance.  By.my.self.  I had a gorgeous dress.  All white.  simple.  Fit me beautifully.  And no one asked me.  So, I went with a group of friends and their "dates," to a Japanese steakhouse, and then on to the dance, with them.  However, the most notable part of the evening, to date, was that my hair was french braided by my mom, and she adorned my head with baby's breath.  It was pretty.  But, she must have wanted to get her monies worth, as she must have put all the sprigs of baby's breathe in my hair.  I looked like a walking advertisement for the local florist by the time she finished.  I love you mom.  You tried.  And I can't wait to one day happen upon those pictures again.  I do remember that the dress came from a sample at the Atlanta Apparel Mart, was $80, and at that time, that must have been so difficult for our family to afford.  Thank you for allowing me that opportunity.  It was the only time in my life I wore such a beautiful dress, and I truly did feel beautiful that night.  I was just sad to not have had a flower around my wrist, like so many others had that night. The only regrets are the ones I had no control over in my life.  (I never regret a choice I have made in my life, unless it hurts someone else.  I accept the choice, and allow a bad choice to become a lesson for the next time.)

On to the picture, since my flower pot moment has been shared with you.  So, the picture, so far, not too odd, or unique.  Well, the woman's face is like viewing someone when you are drunk.  There are like two of them.  Three eyes, but two noses and two pair of lips.  Oh yeah, forgot about the top of her breast that are pushed up through her corseted top.  There are three of them.  Right.  Well, I love the number three, and I too, love my breast.  However, the phrase, "The more the merrier!" doesn't seem appropriate here.  The middle breast, which I will refer to as "Number 2," as any way you look at it, it will always be second.  (Kinda like looked at the word "hate" written in such a way that if seen in a mirror image, can also say, "Love."  Found it on Pinterest.com middle of the night.  Didn't know that it would be so useful one day.  Or today.  So, Number 2 has a yellow jacket hanging from it.  I got nothing.  It's like being back in high school and having just read a passage from some well known writing, and the teacher asking what it meant, and everyone throwing their hands in their, and waving them like they just don't care... Yeah, that song was around in my days... Anyway, I read, and had the same dumb expression as I do when I look at this art work and wonder, "What the heck?"

Lady with Number 2 seemed interesting, but not as good as the second piece of art on this site.  Then, I moved on to the next one, and while trying to figure it out, I found the only piece of art I have every wanted in my life.  A nude, very transgender-y looking figure (muscles, bad make up job, and breast that appear to have been just placed on the body) with a bright yellow parakeet in the corner of the frame, that seems oddly proportioned for the whole piece, and then a large life size iguana going all missionary style on this transgender-y looking person. Oh, and the iguana is licking the bottom of the lifted left leg's foot.  Oh, it's all shades of messed up. All that is just quirky enough to make me love it.  However, here's the the best part.  Shim's (she/him) left hand, is hanging off the bed, and onto, a frog.  And you are wondering, "What is the frog doing there?"  Well, if that is the first question that popped into your head, then we don't really need to continue here.  Basically, it's like a threesome, but the oddest part of the threesome is the "shim." I mean, if it was all animals, then okay, but this is just one of those train wrecks you can't stop viewing.  OH!  And the spider!  There is a spider hanging above the headboard of the bed.  Well, duh.  Of course they would be on a bed.  And the bed WOULD have monster claws as it's frame.  AND, the headboard would have some jacked up creature with breasts adorning the post.  I don't believe there is an English adjective to use here.  I implore you.  Please try to consider this as a gift if you draw my name in a gift exchange.  Or, if you happen to have this, and are keeping it to re-gift as a white elephant gift.. please consider it a donation to my quirkier side.  I don't do stuffed, dead animals, as some amazing bloggers do. (Jenny Lawson can be found at thebloggess.com) Like she even needs my little plug.  She is the most successful blogger I follow.  And by successful, I mean, she is articulate, honest, and gifted beyond words.

When you go to the site, make the first little image on the right, go away.  Then you can follow along with what I had written.

Well?  Was it all you had hoped?  I did not put a disclaimer for little eyes, as I truly didn't think that this was something that you should fear.  My daughter walked by and saw this and said, "Oh look at that pretty butterfly!"  True story.  I didn't even see that until she said it.  I'm not one to shy away from showing my children pretty butterflies.  Are you?

PS  Got any idea how to treat nostrils that have been burnt by hot coffee?

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