Aug 10, 2012

The blog in which I tell you how my son wants a new mommy.

I think it  is just a new mommy, but it might be the whole family.  I took it personally.  He said he wanted to leave and go live with a stranger.  I told him I was not agreeable to that, as they might not take care of him and keep him safe.  So, he suggested Grandma.  Look, I have seen her work-- he can do better.  She doesn't have a dog at home, and I think that's a step down.  While the commute to tuck him in would become tiresome, I have never seen her floss a childs' teeth.  And when I say this because I don't remember my teeth being flossed- ever.  And when I say flossing his teeth, it is more like a surgeon removing an ants gall bladder- while it is moving, and on crack- laced with caffeine.  Yeah, I think I am skilled enough to do it now.  *He has fantastic teeth.  Just sayin'.

So, after Grandma, I started throwing in suggestions.  First came his G-d parents.  Aunt Rachel and Uncle Greg.  Well.. while they have amazing parenting skills, they have three of their own, and I didn't want to burden them.  Then came my brother and sister-in-law.  They too have three children of their own, and I am not so sure that they understand him most of the time.  I at least have a translator for him here, Shay.  And she is non negotiable.  She stays here.  I need her for laundry.  (What?  I pay her.  A Quarter.  If she sorts, folds, and delivers to each person's room.  If just sorting, a nickel.  And no, she can not come to your house.  She is working on saving a dollar each week for a fundraiser at school.  It's called Duck for a Buck, and she gives them a dollar, and they let her pick out a cute rubber ducky.)
So, you see, who ever gets Chazman will need to consider the additional buck each week they will have to dole out for a piece of garbage to clutter the house with.

I then offered the neighbors, as they only have one child there with others rotating in on occasion.  That might not be so bad.  They also have an old school trampoline.  That would be fun.  And dangerous.  Trying to un wussafy him.  Yeah,  that's  now a word in my book.  Oh.  You didn't find it?  Well, basically, instead of sheltering and protecting your children from every possible danger in the world, and letting them scrape a knee or break a neck, it is allowing them to build character and prepare for the real world in which you don't wear elbow pads to recline.  This family literally plays until blood comes pouring from their body, and then they know it's time to go.  (Like, toes at the pool or sun burnt noses.) They allow their kids to jump off a cliff.  Literally.  And guess what... they are a pretty happy family.  I think Charlie would enjoy being there.

Sadly, he was not sure when he got on the bus this morning.  He said he didn't know yet where he wanted to go.  I explained that I needed to know before the bus came so that I could tell his bus driver where to let him off today.  I asked for kisses and hugs, and he came running.  I bet he will get off at our stop today.  (The neighbor friends use our bus stop, so even if he decided to go with them, at least he'd come off the bus and kiss me each day before he went to work on his character there.)  I'm voting "Team Goldfine!"  Sending Chaz to a new tribe might just be the thing to do.  They have a fantastic Jew-tile mom figure that would be fantastic replacement for me.  She even comes with her own set of migraines.  He loves those!  Nothing like teaching a child to be quiet for the sake of pain.

I really have to go now.  Coincidentally, I have been working on his Christmas present and need to see if I can pull off a PVC constructed fort for him.  Yeah, it might be early, but we decorate our home for Christmas the first Friday of October, and I have a feeling he might decide that we are the best family for him.  Don't worry, I put the call into his psychologist already.  When he said, "Call me..."  He had no idea what he was doing.

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