Aug 25, 2012

The blog in which I feel sad that I am letting go of a fear.

When I was a child, I had some irrational fears.  (I know... no irony there.)  So, one, the most debilitating of them all, was flushing the toilet.  My fear- that the Count von Count from Sesame Street was going to come whooshing out from the toilet and start counting in that ever so villainous voice.  Well, that voice, voiced by Jerry Nelson, has passed on, and for that, I am sad.  Sad that he will not be able to share the love of numbers with "count-less" of youngsters again.  However, more sad that I am not able to appreciate the loss as much as feel a sigh of relief each time I flush the toilet now.  No, really.  Rest in peace Mr. Nelson.  (PS  I was at least 10 when I started flushing without running from the bathroom.  Don't judge.)

As I contemplate how to explain my weird anxiety disorder to the people at the church that I have just probably pissed off by not attending the catechist certification today, I wonder if simply sending this blog their direction would help understand that my disorder is real and real weird.

Them- Erin, why did you skip out on your obligation to attend the certification meeting?

Me- Because I freaked out.

Them- Did you pray about it?

Me- No.  When I have anxiety, G-d sorta leaves me in a lump on the ground to have a moment to myself.  He's like that parent that says, "I'm leaving."  Then, He leaves.  I totally get it.  I do that to my own kids.  It's a vicious cycle, and if you read the blog, you will see that the cycle of tough love is ever present with my Heavenly Father and my own children.  I love teaching, but I don't love the sitting in class all day to get certification that I copied and gave to you people THREE times last year since you seemed to have lost it THAT many times.  This year, I will just save a tree.

Them- Okay.  We wish that you could have been open with us about it.

Me- Okay.  I wish that I didn't have issues.  It's nice to have a wish, right?

*By the way.. No, this is not how the conversation went as we have not had the conversation yet.  When it comes up, I will try to get away with, "I was unable to attend at the last minute."  And I WILL pray that they take that answer and say, "Oh, I hope everything is okay, and let us know if you need anything."  At which point, I will smile, nod, and say, "I'm good.  And I saved a tree, so I feel better  about the whole absence and you should too!"

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