Jun 25, 2012

Vaginal Suicide

I think this should only be for the ladies in the reading group at this time.  Here is your hot poker warning.  I am telling you of the male species, stop reading, go fix a car, and grunt some more.  Sadly, none of the men that I know of reading this blog do any of that.  As my guest last night pointed out, she learned the word metro sexual, and realized more and more of the men in our society are going that direction.  But that is not what this is about.  It's about my vagina trying to commit suicide.  (See, I told you to stop reading.  If your corneas are not permanently scarred, by all means, leave this page, and go find something metro to occupy yourself with.  It's going to get ugly.)

First of all, I'm wondering if my body is aware that is in all connected.  If so, does it purposely piss itself off, or is this a sick, random happen chance of circumstance?  I am thirty-five, and have never had so much go so wrong at one time.  I woke up with my eyes burning and had to take my contacts out on Saturday.  I generally wear them all the time.  I change them about once a month, and have been doing so for about 15 years.  It works for me.  Don't judge.  However, on rare occasion when I get a scratch of something, I have to throw on some glasses, it is a rough day since I have really severe vision loss, and glasses are not perfected for me.  So, I went around all Saturday with glasses, and they were glasses I purchased this past Fall, therefore, they were recent by my standards, and I have only worn them once or twice before.  By mid-day, I still have burning and watery eyes, and then, I realize that one of the nose pieces is missing, therefore, I have metal digging into the bridge of my nose.  Nice.

I assume I don't have a blood clot, however, if it's not a blood clot causing this pain behind my knee, it's some hard core, Nazi, varicose veins that is aggravated by my Catholic Calisthenics.  I find that I feel great, sleep better, and can focus better if I exercise.  Therefore, I do it.  However, those fine attributes are all lost when the same said activity causes horrific pain through the back of my left leg.  I am not sure what I am supposed to do with this pain, as I am not one for doctors, however, if my main problem is not under control, I am sure I will find a way to pop leg pain into the vaginal suicide convo with a bemused medical professional at some point.  I have a way, what can I say?

Which, brings me back to one of my first patients during externship.  Remember the sweaty balls man who really was dying of congestive heart failure, but chose to address his testicles instead?  See, I can really have a vaginal issue, and chose to talk about my leg pain.  I think it classes me up a tad to not be so overtly consumed with my happy place and more focused on my leg health.  I could be wrong. Again, don't judge.

So, all the while, I am finding that my monthly friend has come in the throws of a nasty yeast infection that I can not treat over the counter style due to my monthly friend flushing it out.  I swear, having a menstrual cycle that fights me each month is like hell.  My menstrual cycle has been an entity in our marriage that we have grown to dislike.  The morning of my wedding, it visited.  EVERY occasion, birthdays, holidays, ground hog day, presidents day, VALENTINES DAY, snow days, any day that ended in "day,"  Flo came.  The day I wanted it to come, she didn't come, and then we named that occasion of her NOT coming, Shayna.  She is 5.  So, once, Flo didn't visit, and for that I am grateful.  However, for every other time in the past 25 years of her visitations, I have not, and will not, appreciate her.

So, I might end up in an office today explaining why I need some pills for a yeast infection that is growing down my legs, and if we don't fix it soon, I will be serving rolls by dinner time, and that they need not attempt a visual since Flo is here and it would hurt the back of my leg too much to be in that contraption they call a gynecological exam table.

PS  My contacts are back in, so you can breath a sigh of relief.  The rest of me is a cluster though.

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