Sep 12, 2013

The blog in which I share my personal struggles.

My church posted a verse on Facebook this afternoon, and I was totally honest.  I have been struggling with every single point in that posting.  "To you hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those that hate you, bless those that curse you, pray for those that mistreat you."-Luke 6:27-28  My friend commented, "Well, at the very least, turn the other cheek."  I had some snarky remark about how about kiss my.....  Yeah, well, I'm a "tad" moody lately.  

I am sure it is no surprise that my marriage is not perfect.  Is any ones?  Right, well, we are having a very imperfect moment in this rocky road we traverse, and I am not feeling that generous of spirit while I am literally stretched to the max between the extra curricular activities (that would include basic needs some days) and Ahrens Academy.  Throw in a marriage with a dash of poverty and healthy dose of autism sprinkled amongst the group, and you have all the necessary ingredients for the perfect storm.  

First, I want to thank G-d for sending our closest friends and family into our lives and filling our days with grace when we can't seem to find any on our own.  The closest of friends have taken desperate calls, offered shoulders to lean on with some tough love advice, offered random drive-by hugs, and numerous offers to care for our children while we sort through the wreckage.  Thank you so much for understanding that I am exhausted.  That I am cranky.  That I need more sleep that I am given due to demands of transition right now.  

Second, I want to say that I wish I could follow where the children lead.  I am sharing this while I might have made the suggestions, it was children who have led the way.  Shay was having a difficult time with another actress in the play.  I was trying to explain all the reasons why someone might behave the way she was toward Shay, and she just couldn't understand it.  I addressed the issue with the director.  The director shared with me that this particular actress didn't have the easiest life.  My heart ached for her brokenness.  I got it. 

The next morning, I shared a basic understanding of the situation with Shay, and asked that she consider that maybe G-d placed her in this girls' path for a reason.  Maybe Shay would be the one to try to be a real friend to her- to show her love and kindness that no one ever got through to her with her thick exterior.  That she was to love, and this child to receive.  I suggested that she color a picture and write an apology note.  Shay got really into it.  She even used glitter glue to decorate it.  Then, she made a little plastic bracelet (a Rainbow Loom), and we/I folded the note up back in middle school style and put the bracelet inside it.  

When she got to play rehearsal, I could tell she was nervous.  I prepped her as we walked in.  Even though Shay really didn't do anything wrong, I told her to just say she was sorry, and hand her the note, and then, have a seat.  She found the child sitting in the last row of children seats, and handed it to her, then made her way a few rows ahead to join the rest of the girls.  (This child seems to stay on her own.)    Well, I stood to the side, and waited for the director to begin so that I could head back to Chaz at gymnastics.  I was glad we started a minute late.  I got to witness this child's face.  She yelled to Shay, and Shay turned around.  The child then mouthed, "Thank you- I love it!"  It wasn't the words.  It was the smile she had.  You can tell, that maybe, just maybe, not many people show her many kindnesses of the heart.  

I wish I could be as generous of spirit as my daughter is.  Like I said, I am struggling with Luke as of lately.  Be patient with me.  I will get there.  

PS  Ahrens Academy is going well.  Shay and I are attempting to level her out in language arts and reading since she is advanced, and working though math seems to be her hardest subject.  Chaz is polar opposite, but prefers I sit next to him for everything.  While I run back and forth between both their bedrooms no less than about 12-15 times through out our four-ish hour school day, most of it is sitting with him.  It has been so sad to me to see that he does not know how to correctly form any of the 26 letters in the alphabet.  We are really going back to basics with him.  We will get there- I just know it!  Looking forward to starting to form the numbers, as well.   

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