Apr 27, 2014

Adventures talks fifty shades of disgusting

The conversation is truly an ongoing, never ending, and disgusting.  And yes, I am still talking birds, bees, and blood.  Well, not entirely. Tonight, it was mucus.  The cervical kind.  Yup.  I really went there.

Shay knocked on my bathroom door as I was undressing and getting into a shower.  I had just put them to bed, and what better time to stall bedtime than AFTER I have just said "good night?"  Yes, as I am about to get myself ready to relax.  Through the door, she told me that she had to use my bathroom since Charlie was in theirs.  (What the heck?  I just had him go before prayers!  Master of procrastination.)  So, I said she could come in, and I pulled down my panties, pulled the panty liner out, and hopped into the shower.  (Are you grossed out yet?)  Well, Shay then asked why I use the sticky thing in my panties.  She said, "Is it to catch the blood?"  (See we have already done what I thought was the the hardest part.  Oh, but wait.  Just when you think you have hit the bottom, you find yourself still digging further down.)

Me- No.  That is to catch the mucus.

Shay-  From your nose?

Me-  Well, not really.  It's cervical mucus.

Shay-  Oh.

*And here is where I felt I had honestly answered her question without dancing around it, and that just maybe there was hope that she was just going to drop it.  Oh, but of course not.   This is the inquisitive beauty that heard about the vaginal bleeding and kept on asking questions.

And here is how I explained it… and if you think you might get ill, now is the time to leave the page.

And here is where you might want to take notes in case your child wants to know about cervical mucus.

Me- You see, a few days a during the month, the days that G-d makes it so that a mommy's egg is available to the sperm that want to swim upstream, G-d made special food for the sperm to eat on the journey to the egg.  It's like manna from heaven--- but not.  It's really more like slime from the vagina, and really, that's all we need to talk about.

Shay-  It's like science.  Can we do a science experiment?

Me- With my cervical mucus?

Shay- Eww.  No.  Like, just a science experiment of some sort.  We haven't done one in a while.  But not with that stuff.  That would be gross.

Me-  You are so wise.  And just for the record… I wasn't offering my cervical mucus up experimentation.

Shay-  I know.  Good night!

And that my friends, is how it's done.  (Getting it done meaning getting your kids to go to bed without stalling anymore since they have come to realize that any further conversation might scar them for life.)

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